


Perfect For You

by DisappointingGay



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Flowery language jesus fucking Christ, Guilt, Internalized Homophobia, It’s not that dark but like still they try to hide the gay, Kissing, M/M, Religious Guilt, Self-Hatred, Seven Minutes In Heaven, Shame, dont hide the gay, excuses for being gay, fluffy shit?, like probably ooc?, sorry - Freeform, umm ok i think I’m done now?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-03-02 01:40:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13307715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisappointingGay/pseuds/DisappointingGay
Summary: Long story short, Alana threw a party for her contemporaries, someone got it in their booze-addled brain that Seven Minutes in Heaven was a good idea, and Connor and Jared were chosen.Warning for internalized homophobia





	Perfect For You

Jared took one last gulp of whatever foul-smelling alcohol was in his red solo cup and swaggered into the bathroom. It was tiny and meticulously cleaned, scented with something akin to lilac perfume. Jared awkwardly sat on the closed toilet seat, with Connor following behind him. It was dark in there, the blinds were closed, which kept out any outside light, and the door /clicked/ shut. Connor locked the bathroom door in the darkness. 

“So, Connor, whatya wanna do?” He asked in his best “Smug Douchebag™” voice, and though he couldn’t see it, he just /knew/ Connor rolled his eyes. 

“Shut up, Jared.” Connor spoke with a even voice, though it was laced with obvious annoyance. 

Jared persisted. “I mean, y’know, it’s dark, we’ve both had a little to drink. I dunno, you could push me up against the wall, and-“ 

Jared was cut off by Connor pressing his chapped, warm lips against his temple in a soft kiss. “I said, shut up.” Connor spoke softly, and all Jared could manage to say was “Oh.” 

Connor laughed quietly. “Oh? Was-was that okay?” He was trying to mask it, but anxiety was clear in his voice, so Jared simply responded by pressing his own lips against Connor’s forehead. 

The taller boy smiled, slowly bringing his arms up along Jared’s back, tracing lines with his fingertips. Jared kissed Connor’s forehead again, sighing softly in contentment, before resting his head against Connor’s chest. “This doesn’t count, right?” He asked the question so nervously, like he knew the right answer and was terrified of it, but the answer he had to say was wretched and wrong. Connor felt the same. 

“No, it doesn’t. It’s dark- so dark, I think I’ve forgotten myself. Haven’t you?” Jared could hear the ache in his heart and the pain in his lungs, but this was what he had to say to protect them both from the implications of what this meant if it was real. He took just one moment before answering, he thread his hands through Connor’s soft hair, and sighed. 

“Definitely. And, we’ve both had too much to drink, so if we were to, say, do this,” He pressed a fleeting, light kiss to Connor’s chapped lips, “Then it would be entirely not our fault.” Jared’s arms had snaked around Connor’s waist by now, caressing at the soft skin and warm heat, they pulled him down so that Connor was sitting on Jared’s lap. 

“We’re not allowed to have this, to do this. It’s... it’s not right, is it?” Connor remembered how wrong it is to want Jared, or Evan, or Tyler back in seventh grade, back when every touch was confusing, and he didn’t know what he was, but he knew he didn’t want to look at Jenny Carson’s bikini photos. He knew it was wrong to want Jared to want him as much as he did, to want the other, beautiful boy pressed up against him at night, breathing in each other. It was wrong to want those things, he knew that. 

“We’re allowed to have nothing, right? And-And that’s all this is, Connor. A nothing. A-A drunk mistake in a dark room. Nothing.” 

“You’re, you’re right. Nothing, just a beautiful, warm, nothing.” Jared hummed into Connor’s neck as he pressed soft kisses into the skin below Connor’s ear. 

“It-It means nothing, this here. And-And nothing we say has any meaning at all. ‘I want you.’ Just... nothingness.”

“‘I want this to mean something.’ Those, those are just dumb sayings that neither of us would say.”

“We both know we’re not allowed to want this. Not allowed to want you, you’re not allowed to want me. I’m not allowed to kiss you, and you’re not allowed to hold me.”

“That’s just how the world works. It’s better if we don’t even think about this, at all. It’s not up to me, for it to be wrong. But it is.” 

“It’s better to not, not do this?” He ran his hands under Connor’s shirt, feeling the soft skin, massaging at the hard knots that mottled his back. Jared kissed the ball of Connor’s noses as he cooed, and Jared smiled. He wasn’t allowed to have this, to want to have this, but it felt so nice, so right. 

“But, maybe, in a perfect world? In a perfect world, Jared, I’d want you.” He could feel the smaller boy smile against his neck, continuing his onslaught of his collar bone. 

“In a perfect world, I’d want you too.” Jared looped his arms around Connor’s neck, pulling him in close. 

“But this isn’t a perfect world, is it?” Connor whispered reverently, like a prayer he could pray to fix things in this stupid life. 

Jared pushed him away, gazing into his eyes as he spoke. “No, this world is far too scarred to be perfect. Just look around you, Con. War, disease. Hatred. Me, being in this stupid, broken body. Us, wanting to hold and be held. My dad, his words. Our world is far from perfect, Con.” His eyes brimmed with tears he refused to let fall, so he pulled Connor closer to him, as if their beings could fuse and Connor could fix every broken piece of him. 

“But we can be perfect, here. This, this nothing. This can be a perfect little nothing, just you and me.” Connor spoke, begging for a chance that they could shield each other from fears of hell and brimstone, just live in each other until the ends of the earth. 

“So you’d have me? In, in a perfect world?” Jared spoke, a single tear falling, begging just as hard as the other for the impossible. 

“Jared, I’d have you in a world that was even halfway decent, or somewhere close to it. If I could be with you, and you with me, without my father telling me I was a f*****, or disgraceful, or an abomination, I’d be with you every second of every day, holding you close, reminding you how much I cherish you.” 

“If my mom didn’t tell me I was going to burn in hell, that I was sinful, I’d be with you forever, Connor. I’d wake you up every day with a kiss, send you to sleep with a caress.” 

“It’s kind of pointless, going on about what we’d do if we could. Because this is the real world, we have to live in real life. We have to /know/ that this isn’t right, its nothing.” 

“Nothing.” Jared looked down at his watch. “We still have 2 minutes and 37 seconds in heaven, Connor. What do you think we should do with that time?” 

Connor didn’t answer that question with words, really. He hummed in assent, trailing his lips down Jared’s neck slowly, stopping when he felt the shorter boy whine softly. He stayed there, kissing gently as he felt his boy purr below him. One hand went up to Jared’s hair, running it through the unkempt strands. His other hand ran down the other’s squishy stomach, stopping to rest under Jared’s belly button. He stroked his hand up and down the velvety skin, kneading at the tender flesh. Jared murmured softly, and Connor moved to shush him with a kiss. “Pretty, Jared. You’re so pretty, you know that, Jared? You’re so pretty.” Jared hummed warmly at the praise. “I wish we could do this, Jared. Do you know how much I wish I could hold you like this every day?” He moved his hand down to rest on Jared’s waist, rubbing softly at the curve. Jared quietly relished in the praise, cooing as Connor lapped at his neck. 

“I-In a perfect world, Connor.”

“Right. A perfect world.”

**Author's Note:**

> Soooooo ummm I hope you liked that flaming garbage fire? There’s going to be 2 chapters, probably, idk honestly when the next chapter will be posted. School starts tomorrow, yaaaaaaaaaaaay. 
> 
> Why, you ask, did I write this? Well, I played “We Know the Devil” and there was the 7 minutes in heaven scene there, so I was like ‘Jared + Connor’??????????? I wrote this based off of my and my friend’s experiences and feelings, so I hope its realistic. 
> 
> But, yeah, I hope you liked. :)


End file.
